


Touch has a Memory

by MaxRev



Series: Kaidan Week 2019 [5]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Amnesia, Heavy Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2020-12-14 03:24:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21008942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: Kaidan takes a devastating hit to the head on Mars and his recovery takes a decidedly different turn.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Kaidan Week 2019 at [ spectrekaidanalenko](https://spectrekaidanalenko.tumblr.com/) for Saturday, Free day/ Throwback day/ Last minute projects.
> 
> So, uh...sorry?

_Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~ Kevin Arnold_

His eyes opened to a darkened room, an incessant, rhythmic beeping coming from somewhere nearby. 

Kaidan shifted his head, wincing at the pain that barest of movement caused, taking in his surroundings. A bank of windows, blinds closed against the view, covered the wall to his left. Much of the rest of the room was in shadow. Time held no meaning for him after being out for so long and he had no way of knowing whether it was day or night. 

After a mental inventory of his body, he found everything hurt, even his skin was a bit sensitive. It was the only reason he could think of for the sheet stopping at his waist instead of covering him up to the neck. The room was a bit warm, though, so maybe he’d just been too hot. Most of the pain seemed to be centered around his head. As his eyes adjusted to the shadows, the question of where he lay was answered. 

He was in the hospital. 

Now, if he could just answer the why. Looking back through his memories, the last thing he remembered was… 

Well, he wasn’t sure. Nothing immediately came to mind. That alone was probably cause for alarm but he was too tired and still disoriented, unable to summon the mental strength to try figuring it out. 

Right before his eyes closed, he heard movement, then a slight snore, and saw someone asleep in the chair next to his bed. 

The shadows covered them from the waist upwards so all he could make out were jeans clad legs and strong hands. A male, had to be. 

Meager energy vanquished for the moment, Kaidan succumbed to a fitful sleep. 

He awoke with a start some time later, something in his dreams causing alarm. The beeping noise from before was now louder, sharp and intense. Kaidan winced as it drove spikes into his skull. A male Salarian nurse rushed in to check his vital signs and stayed for a bit to gaze at the monitors. 

“Blood pressure elevated. Stress levels increased.” 

Turning to look at him, Kaidan offered, "Bad dream." 

Large black eyes stared back, unblinking. Then, with a nod, he scribbled something on a chart. As the intensity of the dream faded, the beeping returned to normal. The subject matter of the dream was foggy and unable to grasp what it had been about, he stopped trying. 

The door slid shut and he turned toward the sound, surprised to see the Salarian nurse had left and someone else had entered. 

Approaching his bed, there was a look of anguish accompanied by relief on the handsome face. Those blue eyes were piercing in their intensity, but Kaidan didn't look away. He could get lost in those eyes. 

"I--," a pause, a swallow, then a deep breath, "I thought I'd lost you. Despite all the close calls we've had over the years, this one nearly drove me over the edge."

He placed a hand over Kaidan's, interlocking their fingers, before turning his palm up and tracing the back of Kaidan's hand with his thumb. There was a scar on the thumb, at the base. 

Kaidan stared at it. He looked up, saw those blue eyes roaming over his face and down. A blush bloomed over his cheeks before spreading downward. 

There was a chuckle, a sad but knowing grin. "I've seen you in this state before, though it's been awhile. Still shy, Major?"

A frown formed between his brows. 

"Kaidan? What's wrong?" A pause and when there was no answer, "Wait, is this about Mars? I know you were still doubting me about Cerberus but I've had time to think it through. Okay, I am a little hurt but I can understand your doubts. It's okay." 

The hand slipped from his and Kaidan looked down to where they'd been intertwined. He felt the loss keenly, the warmth as well. 

"Kaidan? Say something! I feel like I'm drowning and there's no one to save me." 

Reaching out, the man’s calloused fingertips touched his arm. Vivid scenes, too fast to discern, flashed through Kaidan’s mind. Then they were gone. 

Brown eyes met blue. "Who are you?"


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard left the hospital in a daze, those three words running through his mind like the hamster in his cabin on its wheel.

"Who are you?"

After all they’d been through together - the countless missions, the shared frustration at the Council and Udina, losing Jenkins and Ashley...a lifetime of partnership. Even though he’d been dead for two years.

There’d been something more, too. John felt it in the shared looks, the shy smiles, standing just a bit closer than normal and the random unexpected touches leaving them stuttering and breathless.

He honestly wasn't sure what had just happened but the bewildered look on Kaidan's face had sent a frisson of fear straight to his gut.

At first, after Kaidan uttered those words, he could only stand there, his mind unable to catch up with what they meant. When it did, he'd blurted, incredulous, "It's me, Shepard."

Nothing. There was no soft smile or crinkling of the eyes with laughter as if it had been a joke. No rising blush for having gotten one over on his CO, his friend. No sparkle in his eyes.

The frisson of fear bloomed, spread throughout his body. John still couldn’t believe it and he’d given Kaidan a smile, or tried to, “Okay, stop messing around. You’re scaring me now.”

Those brown eyes stared at him with nothing but confusion in their depths. John had to turn and leave, lest the man who no longer knew him saw the tear fall down his face.

John wandered through the Presidium and then Zakeera Ward for hours, unable to comprehend what had happened. He’d come so close to thinking Kaidan might die if they didn’t reach the Citadel soon enough, realizing exactly how much he cared about him.

It never occurred to him he might lose him in another way.

Finally, he’d made his way back to the hospital, saw Dr. Chakwas, and discussed Kaidan’s condition with her.

“I can’t give you a definitive diagnosis, Shepard. Amnesia is a fickle thing, as is the brain. I can tell you Kaidan doesn’t remember anything at least six months before joining the Normandy. He remembers who he is - where he was born, his parents, etc. and that he’s a soldier in the Alliance but I’m afraid that’s the extent of it. With time, what he lost may come back. There’s also the very real possibility it may not. I can stay here, monitor him and give you updates.”

Running a hand over his head - time for a haircut - John nodded, gazed at her with worried eyes, “Would you, please? I’d very much appreciate it, Dr. Chakwas.”

“I’d be happy to.” Calm and unruffled as always, she graced him with a grave look, “We both know Kaidan is a soldier to his core. He’s always believed in doing the right thing and helping where needed. I don’t believe that part of him will have changed. If he leaves, there isn’t much I can do to persuade him otherwise.”

Knowing the truth of her statement, he nodded. “I understand. When that time comes, because we know it will, you’re welcome to rejoin the Normandy. It’s not the same without you.”

She nodded, “I’d like that, Shepard. Thank you. Now, I’ll go check on Kaidan again. He’s not likely to listen to me as he did before, stubborn as he was. I’m a stranger to him now but I’ll do what I can.”

John didn’t miss the same sadness in her voice as in his. They’d been friends as well.

As for him, missions were being lined up and he didn’t have the luxury of remaining here any longer.

He shook her hand, “I should go.”

Back at his cabin, he poured himself a shot of whiskey - Kaidan’s favorite - and knocked the amber liquid back. It wasn’t going to be easy to focus on the future without Kaidan by his side. He’d done it before, going after the Collectors, hoping to never do it again after finding Kaidan on the Normandy when they left Earth.

Life was forever throwing curve balls in their direction. You’d think by now, they’d be experts at catching them. Right now, he had a giant sized hole in his heart.

It felt like he hadn’t gotten out of the way of this curve ball fast enough.

* * *

The encounter was like a skipping record, the needle stuck in one spot. He couldn’t remember the last three years plus but the memory of a skipping record was as vivid as if it was yesterday, though he’d only been ten at the time.

Playing up in the attic of the old house in the orchard, Kaidan had found a record player. When his mother came to find him for lunch, he’d asked what it was and they’d dragged it downstairs, coughing and sneezing from the dust. She’d carefully wiped it clean, then placed an old record on it so they could listen. It got stuck halfway through and repeated the same word over and over.

His mind did the same thing with the scene in Huerta when he’d asked the man who he was.

A few weeks later, he still had no answers but was finally being released. Councilor Udina had visited him, urging him to become the second human Spectre. All because he’d served with Commander Shepard, a man he didn’t remember. The man with the beautiful blue eyes from the hospital. A person he didn’t know at all and had no memory of serving with.

After extensive questioning and a litany of tests, the doctors determined he had amnesia. How extensive it was, they weren’t sure. Only time would tell. Kaidan wanted the memories back, wanted his life back from the last three years. They belonged to him.

It was disorienting, hearing from strangers about those three years. It was as if someone else who looked just like him used his name and lived his life. He’d lost every single moment. And worse, there was always the possibility he might never get them back.

And if all of that weren’t bizarre enough, life had taken a really strange turn after that.

Shortly after being released from Huerta, the Citadel had been attacked. An order came direct from Admiral Hackett himself for Kaidan to protect the council. Riding the elevator to an awaiting shuttle, the group had nearly been taken out by a hired gun jumping atop the elevator.

Making a mad dash through the open doors, they came face to face with a destroyed shuttle. Kaidan urged them back to the elevators and turned - only to find himself at the business end of a gun.

It just so happened the man on the other end was his former Commander and the same man from the hospital, John Shepard. He gazed steadily at him, "Kaidan, you have to trust me."

"I don't even know you." An expression of hurt appeared on the man’s face, gone again in an instant. "How am I supposed to trust you?"

Udina took the moment to approach Kaidan, his omni-tool playing an incriminating video. "He’s still with Cerberus. Just look at this." Disgust dripped from every word.

Glancing at the video, Kaidan found his heart drop to his boots. Despite having no memories of the man currently facing him down with a gun, he didn't want to believe this was possible. He couldn’t have explained why had anyone asked.

There was just...something. "This looks really bad for you, Commander Shepard." The man winced at the formal title.

A memory surfaced from the hospital, their fingers laced together. If Kaidan didn’t know any better, he’d have said this was personal...the reactions he was seeing. Not just of two soldiers having served together but more.

A glance at the other two crew members at his side revealed nothing. The turian stared him down, almost as if he was daring Kaidan to pull the trigger. The large man to the Commander’s other side showed no expression at all, gun steady in his hands -- hey, L2. The words echoed in his mind.

“Listen, there isn’t time to negotiate. Cerberus is just behind us in the elevator shafts.” Blue eyes narrowed as they focused on Udina. “He’s behind this, working with or for Cerberus. A fact confirmed by the Salarian councilor.”

Angered as well as frustrated when Kaidan didn’t immediately side with him, Udina threw up his hands and stalked to the terminal to override the lock. Kaidan’s heart told him to trust the Commander while his head told him Udina was a councilor - a human councilor - there was no way he’d betray the whole human race.

But, what if?

Closing his eyes briefly and letting out a faint sigh, he made his decision. Opening them again, he gazed into the brilliant blues eyes of the Commander, calm and steady, “I better not regret this.”

Turning to confront Udina, he heard the deep voice behind him say softly, “You won’t.”

After pulling a gun on the Asari councilor when she went to persuade him to stop, Udina was ordered to stand down. The human councilor refused, pulled a gun, and that was when Kaidan shot him in the heart. Walking over, he gazed down at the man who had been a voice for the human race. What a tragedy, what a waste. How had it come to this?

Quiet steps behind him, “Kaidan?”

His name said with such familiarity, with a wealth of emotion, he wondered again what they had been to each other. Knowing he wouldn’t have gone against regs, he summarized they must have pulled each other out of some very bad situations. Soldiers shared extraordinary bonds, sometimes stronger than family.

“I’m good, thanks.”

Behind them they heard blowtorches at the elevator. As one, he and Commander Shepard turned, moving quickly to protect the Asari and Turian councilors. It felt strange and yet natural as well.

The doors opened and Captain Bailey stepped out, followed by other C-Sec officers. Cerberus had been chased off, it appeared. Time to go. Moving in behind the councilors, Kaidan felt a warm, gloved hand at his back. A tingle of awareness shot through his body and flashes of scenes burst in his mind.

None of them made any sense.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops...forgot about this with all these monthly writing prompt things going on lol. I also need to sent a shout out to Mareel and Potionsmaster because they helped me with a transition I was stuck on ♥

He waited in the small passage leading out to the docks, resting against the wall with his arms crossed.

Kaidan gazed out the window beside him beyond which rested the Normandy. It was beautiful, all sleek and shiny. The ship had a warp core which provided twice the power of any other frigate along with stealth capabilities. After the coup, he’d done some research on this ship as well as the crew aboard.

He’d researched Shepard, too.

It was Admiral Hackett who’d disclosed that Kaidan had been on the maiden voyage of the Normandy SR-1 and its entire tour. What rested outside was the second incarnation of the now famous ship. It had been a Cerberus vessel Commander Shepard turned over to the Alliance after his mission into the Omega relay. At least it no longer bore the Cerberus colors or logo.

Not having any memories of the organization itself, he’d searched the extranet for information on them as well. What he learned had turned his stomach.

The knowledge that Commander Shepard - the epitome of an Alliance soldier, one who’d survived things no other human could have and then tasked with saving humanity - had worked for the corrupt organization, one claiming to be fighting for humanity but engaged in horrific projects..well, Kaidan could barely wrap his head around it.

How could the Alliance allow him back into their ranks? How could he even be trusted? There had to be more going on here than Kaidan, or even the Alliance, could see. Maybe they were all blind..or maybe only those with the right clearance were privy to such information. He was now a Spectre but refused to use the title to dig around behind the scenes. That was an abuse of his power.

Without mentioning his doubts to anyone, he speculated if it might be worth joining the Normandy to observe the Commander. See where his loyalties truly lie. Yet, the idea sounded just as wrong as abusing his power, completely dishonest.

Pushing his thoughts aside, Kaidan’s gaze refocused on the ship. No amount of studying made it look familiar to him in any way. Three years of his life gone, much like the snap of his fingers.

Of the many things he’d been told about the missing timeframe, the one which truly bothered him was losing fellow soldiers. He’d heard some names - Richard Jenkins, Ashley Williams, Charles Pressly and many others who'd gone down with the first Normandy. None of them brought to mind a face or shared conversations.

How was it possible to live with these people day after day, fighting side by side, living as the closest of family, yet not remember a single thing about them? How they laughed or cried, when their birthdays were or how they liked their coffee or tea? All the little details which brought them closer together.

There was a heaviness in his heart knowing they were just names to him now. That once, they'd been so much more. They _deserved _more, the honor and respect of a fellow soldier, a friend...but most of all, just to never be forgotten.

Yet he had forgotten them. Even if it was through no fault of his own.

A whole lifetime had happened in those three years - the missions, the fight for survival, laughter and tears, scars and stories which would last a lifetime, friends made...and lost. All of it gone.

And then...there was the look in the Commander’s eyes whenever Kaidan stared into them long enough. Eyes the dazzling color of a calm, clear blue ocean but with an impending storm of loss on the horizon. Not for the first time, Kaidan wondered at that. He just wasn’t brave enough to put thoughts into words, giving voice to what he wanted to know.

As if summoned by his musings, the doors leading to the docks swooshed open and Commander Shepard strolled through, a soft smile on his face. Just a simple lift of full lips to one side. For some reason, it made Kaidan’s heart ache.

Upon seeing him, Shepard stopped short. For a brief moment - so brief Kaidan wondered if he imagined it - the battle worn face shown with sincere happiness. But then it disappeared, replaced by wariness. Surely, the happiness hadn’t been for seeing Kaidan standing here..._and why did his heart skip a beat with that thought? _

“Hey, Kai--,” his mouth snapped shut. Talking a deep breath, he began again, “Major Alenko, what can I do for you?”

“I…” Glancing away, Kaidan rubbed the back of his head. What _was _he doing here? He paced back and forth, agitated. Clearly, he hadn’t thought this through. His internal monologue had sounded much better in his head. Stopping his wayward pacing, he stood up straight, turned and faced Shepard, started over, “Admiral Hackett offered me a position.”

No reaction. Well, not entirely true. There was a bit more tension in the set of Shepard’s shoulders, the lips once lifted in a half-smile now a straight line, the eyes narrowed just a fraction. Kaidan felt like he could read those nuances rather well. How was that possible, if he didn’t know the man?

“You were saying?” A bit of impatience in Shepard’s tone.

_Oh, right_. He’d gotten lost in his thoughts. Despite the Commander’s touch of annoyance, Kaidan almost swore he saw a glint of amusement in the depths of the blue eyes. He had to be mistaken.

He started over. “I just...well, I was informed I’d been on the Normandy before.” Start with the truth, always a good idea. “I thought maybe I should...come to you first, find out if I was needed or not.” He wasn’t about to give voice to his idea Shepard was a sleeper agent for Cerberus.

An inscrutable expression was the Commander’s only response, time stretching on uncomfortably but was likely only a few seconds. “It’s entirely up to you. We can always use good soldiers. You’re biotics would be a great advantage out on the field as well.”

What a very Commander like answer. Kaidan wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, had no idea what he’d expected to begin with and was frustrated with himself for wanting more.

Shepard’s words rankled, “Is that all I am to you? Just a good soldier who happens to be a biotic?” He stared at the man before him, shook his head, “You know, I thought maybe you were different than the rest of the Alliance. I thought maybe you...”

He gazed out the window at the Normandy again, this time being loaded with last minute supplies. A Turian and a big hulk of a man stood outside on the docks, laughing about something. He couldn’t understand the wistful feeling in his gut. Turning back to Shepard, he caught a look on his face. One of...regret? Kaidan wasn’t sure.

“I just thought...maybe you’d be different. Maybe I’d be more than just...a good soldier with the convenience of biotics.. Guess I was wrong.”

The Commander flinched as if Kaidan's last words were bullets; his body tensed and then came to attention. “Is that true." His tone, despite the body language, was low and quiet. The calm before the storm. He stepped closer, getting right in Kaidan's face, "If I recall, you were ready to gun me down earlier. Facing someone I lo-- fought beside - for three years, who clearly doesn’t remember me, says a lot.”

Kaidan watched Shepard closely, noting the fisted hands, the increased breathing, the tense muscles. What really flustered him though was the sheer pain in the depths of those blue eyes. _There was something more here_.

Drawn to action by that very pain, Kaidan reached out to wrap Shepard’s hand in his, to offer some semblance of comfort...a way to ease the pain. He stopped short of actually touching him though, staring at his own hand in confusion. It was strange and yet...reaching out felt so natural.

Kaidan looked up. Shepard was so still, frozen in place. It reminded him of the statues he’d seen in a museum as a kid. He stared at Kaidan’s hand, looking so much like he’d just lost the greatest treasure he’d ever known.

Kaidan let out a long sigh of frustration, capturing Shepard’s attention. Once again, the shutter came down over his emotions, cutting him off from Kaidan. But the look of loss had been there, he’d _seen _it. Bewildered, Kaidan watched Shepard move to go around him, to head for the Normandy, leaving him behind.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted without thinking. Shepard stopped.

Kaidan prided himself on being honest, following the rules and doing what was right. Sometimes, he knew the right words to say. Other times, they didn’t come easy. Right now, in this moment weighed down with things he couldn’t quite grasp, he was floundering. Out of his depth. Talking to a person about something so important without looking them in the eyes wasn’t right...but at the moment, it was easier.

Feeling a bit of a coward for the relief those thoughts brought, he found more words spilling from his lips all the same, “I don’t know what’s going on here. I...I feel..._something_, but...I just don’t know what it is. I want to remember...I want to know what happened in the last three years.”

He couldn’t stand it. Turning, he gazed at Shepard, so still at his side. Kaidan heard his breath hitch. The air around them was heavy, sounds muted, time slowing, like something important was about to happen.

Voice soft and quiet, his words halting, Kaidan finally admitted aloud, “I want to remember...who _we _are. I see...flashes...memories, I guess. I don’t understand them. I want to..._need_ to. All of it like...like water through my fingers. I can’t grasp these flashes...can’t hold them long enough to make sense of them. I hate--”

He was struggling now, trying to put into words all he was feeling. Trying to make Shepard understand where he was coming from; the confusion, the fear, the frustration at missing three damn years of his _life_! How could he, though? How could he possibly put into words what it felt like?

But wasn’t Shepard going through the same thing, if all Kaidan was sensing was true? Both of them on the opposite side of a deep divide.

“I hate it, too.” The words were subdued, yet rife with emotion. “I won’t lie; I want you back on the Normandy, taking on the Reapers side by side. I just don’t think it’s a good idea...considering everything going on.” Shepard finally turned to look at him, eyes so blue Kaidan felt like he was drowning in them.

What more was there to say? This was it then. He nodded and stood at attention, saluting Shepard. “Thank you for your time, Commander. Good luck out there. You’ve been an invaluable asset in the war against the Reapers. I’m only sorry the Council didn’t heed your warnings sooner.” He sounded cold and unfeeling, like he'd rehearsed his lines, so added, “And I’m sorry...that I can’t remember.”

Shepard sagged in on himself, all the fight leaving him and Kaidan saw the bone deep weariness this soldier - this _man _\- was being crushed to dust beneath. He reached out to shake Kaidan’s hand, forgoing the military formalities. “Thank you, Major. Good luck to you as well. I hope Hackett plans to put your abilities to good use. All of them. You’re a good man as well, Kaidan.”

As Kaidan reached out to shake the Commander’s hand, once again a jolt of awareness ran through him as their bodies touched. The same cascade of scenes played through his head. Ones he had no answer for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited on my phone. Please let me know if there are any glaring errors!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, this is still not finished. The boys have all the control lol

Kaidan didn’t miss being on the Normandy. After all, how could you miss what you’d never known? 

He did make sure he never missed any news report when Shepard was mentioned, stopping in his tracks with every discussion he overheard where Shepard was the topic of conversation. It became a compulsion, to hear everything he could and gather every bit of information he could, just to make sure Shepard wasn’t hurt or worse - dead. He needed to know the Normandy was still out in deep pace completing missions and gathering allies in the war against the Reapers.

With each mention of Shepard's name, though, fear would rush through his veins at first. His heart would beat in an erratic rhythm, breath catching and shoulders becoming tense, until he heard the Commander was okay and had made it through another daring mission alive - by the skin of his teeth. 

There was a reporter on board the Normandy, Diana Allers, keeping the galaxy updated on the crew's progress. He lived for those reports. Sometimes, she even managed a face-to-face interview with the man himself. If there was access to the vid, Kaidan stopped whatever he was doing, staring deeply into those vivid blue eyes when the camera zoomed in on them. It always felt as if the Commander was gazing right back into his, as if he could feel Kaidan watching him through deep space. 

Every word delivered by Shepard's deep voice had him riveted. Eyes following the movement of those full lips, entranced by the lop-sided smile when it appeared. As fleeting as a doe in the mist. 

It wasn’t all he saw. He noticed a weariness in the growing lines on Shepard’s face, in the dark shadows beneath his eyes, even a small hint of fear in the depths of the brilliant blue. How he read all of those things in a few minutes of a vid he didn’t understand. 

How no one else saw what he did, he understood even less. 

Currently, he was on some obscure planet attacking a Cerberus base. The damn cells of this organization were everywhere...like a fast growing fungus. Admiral Hackett put him in charge of a biotics division, created to thwart Cerberus, the organization claiming to advance the rise of humanity, and the Reaper forces alike. It was exhausting work. Many times he'd thought _I'm too old for this_ and yet, he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. 

Except maybe on the Normandy. The ship was the first line of defense in this war and in the thick of things. Still, he was pretty damn close to that himself on the missions he was undertaking.

He'd had to fight and argue - with a superior officer - to even be here. Admiral Hackett, who was in charge of the fifth fleet, no less. Kaidan had met him in Udina’s former office on the Citadel. 

“Major Alenko.” Hackett greeted him and, then, without preamble, “I need you to get started helping build the Crucible.”

Kaidan was surprised and not a bit happy about the order. He was a soldier and it’s where his tech abilities were best utilized. Frustrated, as he felt he was being relegated to a role he was overqualified for. So, he refused. 

“Sir, I believe my tech and biotic abilities are better suited to helping out on the front lines. I’d rather be...hunting down Cerberus cells than building a weapon.” 

The Admiral stared at him, eyes like blue flint. Kaidan felt like he’d crossed some line with the man. Hackett was an exemplary officer and Alliance legend; it wouldn’t do to piss the man off but Kaidan was convinced if he could lead the biotic divisions, the students he’d trained after Shepard died, they would help win this war. 

A lesser soldier might have caved under that stare, it was certainly unnerving. Especially with the scar standing out against Hackett’s pale skin. Kaidan knew his worth.

Still, his nerves got the best of him, "I've managed to locate some of my former biotic students. We can be a valuable ground force for the cause. You already have enough techs working on the crucible." He’d followed the progress, although hadn’t realized it would come in handy like this. 

"Are you defying a direct order, Major?" The Admiral wasn’t going to give in so easily. 

The tone of voice had Kaidan snapping to attention, the response drilled into him since boot camp. "Yes, sir, I am." However, he wasn't going to back down. "You _need _us out there." 

Turning to face the windows looking out on the starlit galaxy spread out before them, Hackett was quiet. The seconds ticked by and Kaidan began to sweat. Had he been watching too many vids of Shepard? Taken on some of the Commander's foolhardy, harebrained characteristics? 

Had he pushed the Admiral too far?

"Very well. You have my full approval as well as your Spectre status. Take out any Cerberus cells you find, any Reaper forces you come across. Help us win this fight on the ground, Major."

Kaidan let out a long, quiet breath. Any longer and he'd have made quite a sight, fainting at the Admiral's feet. "Thank you, sir. We'll get it done. " 

Hackett nodded, face unreadable beneath the brim of his cover. "See that you do."

Knowing that was a dismissal, Kaidan saluted, turned on his heel to leave, only to be stopped by Hackett’s voice once more. “And Major, don’t make insubordination a habit. It doesn’t suit you.” 

“Yes, sir.” He heard the doors swoosh behind him, finally able to breathe normally. 

There was no time to waste. He had students - no..._soldiers _\- to find and gather into a fighting force. 

And now, here he was, doing exactly that. These were demanding, grueling missions. All of them barely escaping by the skin of their teeth, much like Shepard. Kaidan wouldn't have it any other way. Every single one of them had pledged to fight this war, to die trying to win the freedom for the entire galaxy. His one regret was the casualties; losing soldiers was something he never got over. 

Still, he couldn't have been any prouder if he was their actual parent. All of these kids, because it was really what they were to him, were doing their part in this war. All of them were running on fumes. The Commander was always in Kaidan’s thoughts as he wondered how the man was even functioning at this point. Did he even have a breaking point? 

Sometimes, when Kaidan could catch a small break, he did wish he was on the Normandy, facing the Reapers head on and fighting at Shepard’s side. He almost had been. His frustration and anger at the situation regarding his memory was taken out on Cerberus and the indoctrinated Reaper forces. There was no holding back any longer. He pushed himself much as Shepard must be doing. 

Most of the time, sleep was dreamless, his body and mind too exhausted to play those strange flashes of scenes - _memories_? - every time he and Shepard touched. 

But sometimes, they bled through, like the times he saw a vid with Shepard. Kaidan could do nothing but wait for them to play inside his mind, unable to decipher what they meant. Like pieces of a puzzle he couldn’t fit together no matter how hard he tried. When he did try, he only ended up with a migraine leaving him out of commission. 

Those were the missions on which they'd lost one of their own. Guilt ate at him for letting his team down but the missions didn't stop for guilt or wait for it to subside, so he pushed it aside and kept going. 

As the Alliance prepared for the final push, being made ground side in London, Admiral Anderson contacted him personally. He requested Alenko and his biotics divisions join them at ground zero, helping them to reach the conduit. 

Kaidan was only too happy to oblige. All of them were ready, willing, and able to fight at the forefront. They were so young, these kids. Excited by the prospect of being a part of history, hoping to live long enough to see it written. He knew many of them wouldn't. He might even be one of the many.

The thought didn't scare him. He was an old soldier after all. What bothered him were these damn...scenes. Never knowing what they were, what they meant. 

Leaving all these questions unanswered. Leaving...Shepard. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank [pigeon_theoneandonly ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeon_theoneandonly/pseuds/Pigeon_theoneandonly) for helping me wrangle what Kaidan would be doing ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a harrowing run to the beam, Kaidan finds himself helping a fallen soldier. He has a few realizations in the wake of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last...the finale

Kaidan rode inside the mako, headed towards the beam, alongside Garrus, Admiral Anderson, Major Coats, and the Commander. They swayed as the all terrain wheels hit every crack in the pavement, every hole and crevice in the mountains of rubble. Most of them held onto something to keep from falling out of their seats. Not Shepard. He sat up straight weathering the waves of motion with ease, like a sailor on the high seas.

Every so often Kaidan’s eyes sought out Shepard’s. Sometimes, they actually met; the bright blue of Shepard's intense and focused while his own were searching, questioning. He always turned away first, confused by what he saw in the brilliant blue depths. To distract himself from the questions running round and round his head, he thought back over the events since landing on Earth...

* * *

They’d fought side by to man the AA guns after the original team and their shuttle went down in a fiery blaze. They'd taken out husks, cannibals, and marauders - a seemingly endless onslaught. Always without missing a beat, as if they’d done this dance before, knew all the steps, and had committed them to memory. Kaidan would have marveled at it if there’d been time actually do so.

The Reaper forces were overwhelming. Never allowing them a break, no time to catch their breath. They were all tired. No exhausted beyond all human endurance. Yet, somehow, they pressed on.

Then there were the banshees; ardat-yakshi turned by the Reapers into atrocities worse than any nightmare. Their screams rent the air, drilled straight into Kaidan’s brain. His head never stopped pounding and he’d likely be out for days after this fight. If they survived it.

The oppressive thought flew out of his head as the mako came to a jarring stop, leaving them all - including Shepard - scrambling to keep from knocking heads or ending up face first in someone's lap. Shaking it off, one by one they stepped out of the mako onto a mountain of rubble. The front was wedged inside a large hole, bright orange flames crackling against the concrete slabs around it.

All eyes turned, fixating on the pulsating luminous beam of light streaming up into the sky, surrounded by a large, silvery cloud. The beam gave an unearthly glow to the destruction around it, harsh shadows hiding abominations of grossly distorted humans and aliens alike.

"Fuck!" Shepard's spit the curse as Harbinger descended towards the ground, floating slowly despite its cumbersome size, coming to rest directly behind the beam.

Anderson called out, “We’ve got to move!”

Shepard took it as an invitation, yelling, "Come on!" and he took off, sprinting down the side of the concrete mountain, straight for the beam, not even waiting to see who followed, either believing they would or willing to go it alone if they didn't. Kaidan admired his bravery...even as it struck fear into his very core. For some reason he couldn’t fathom, couldn’t even begin to explain, he knew if he lost Shepard, he couldn’t go on.

Why? What hold did this man have on him?

Mere seconds behind the Commander, Kaidan ran after him. Garrus followed, coming along beside him.

Putting every ounce of energy he had into catching up, Kaidan watched as Shepard quickly surged ahead of them. He dodged from one side of the field to another, Harbinger’s harsh red beam cutting down men and machine alike with little effort. The horrific sound it made cut through the air, vibrating through his very bones, a death knoll sounding over and over as it aimed at the last remaining members of Hammer team; explosions in front of them, behind them, beside them. Makos going up in flames and soldiers disintegrating before their eyes. No one was safe.

Kaidan briefly thought of the Star Wars movies he’d seen, red and white lightsabers standing for good and evil - white for the Citadel destroying the Reapers’ red beams of death and destruction. If only this were some fantasy movie instead of a very real fight for survival.

The fate of the galaxy rested on the Commander's shoulders, a task he'd willingly stepped into, and he wasn’t going to let anything stand in his way. Kaidan loved that about him too. He nearly stumbled.

Wait...loved?

He watched, breath caught in his chest, as Shepard slid under a mako which flew over him. In the split second of distraction, another mako came flying through the air, towering on its nose overtop him and Garrus. There was nowhere to go.

Cradling his leg, the pain and incessant pounding of his head, was now worse than before, nearly causing him to black out. He refused to succumb, reaching deep down for the last dregs of his waning strength. Somehow, Garrus had managed to jump out of the way of the mako, only receiving minimal damage to his armor. Shepard pulled him up, he and Garrus helping him towards the overturned mako out of the way of the beam. As if the downed vehicle could offer them respite from Harbinger.

“We need to get you on the Normandy, Kaidan. It’s the best chance to heal your leg.” Shepard's blue eyes, even more brilliant against the dirt and soot smeared across his face, drilled into his very soul. He couldn’t look away and though he was resistant at the very thought of leaving Shepard out there on his own, he found himself nodding in agreement.

The man had such a strong hold over him. It was a little overwhelming, to be honest. But maybe...a little nice as well? He could lose himself in those eyes.

As the Normandy swung around and he was helped up into it, he gazed at Shepard who looked intently back at him. Kaidan held his breath, waiting for something to happen. The chaos around them paused, fading away until it was just the two of them, as if his whole world hung on a precipice and he wasn’t sure if the fall would be a good one or not.

What came next?

“Take care, Kaidan. Chakwas will get your leg healed in good time.” The blue eyes seemed to glow even brighter for several seconds, the Commander’s voice lowered to a deep, husky note, “Thank you...for everything.”

A split second later, he was gone again. Racing towards the beam.

Garrus, one strong arm wrapped around Kaidan's waist, began to pull him back inside the Normandy as it readied to take off. Kaidan struggled against the turian.

He had to follow Shepard!

Unsure of where the thought...or urge...came from, he broke free from Garrus, stumbling in pain before righting himself. Taking a deep breath, he jumped the few feet to the ground, nearly screaming in pain. Darkness distorted the edges of his vision but he pushed it away. Not now! He ignored the frantic calls of the turian and other soldiers behind him and lurched painfully after the Commander.

Waves of pain rode over him, so intense they stole his breath, his reasoning. His vision wavered and blurred from it all. Sounds were eerie and distorted...but he recognized the screams of the many soldiers around him. Wounded and dying.

The calls behind him became quieter before fading altogether. He never even heard the Normandy pulling away. His focus, little as it was, centered on watching the Commander maneuver his way ever closer towards the beam.

Nearly fainting more than a handful of times as he stumbled, many times crawling on his hands, one leg trailing behind him, Kaidan followed Shepard. Determination kept him moving ever onward.

Screaming into the darkness of the night surrounding him, heedless no one could hear him, Kaidan watched as the bright red beam struck Shepard.

How could he survive it? Others had disappeared into…well, he wasn't sure where.

But survive, Shepard did. Kaidan barked out a hysterical laugh, watch as he got up, staggering but still moving forward, picking up an abandoned pistol to shoot anything which got in his way. Because of course, this was Shepard after all. The Commander Shepard.

Then he was gone...up into the beam.

Kaidan continued to struggle...trying to reach him, to reach the beam and follow his commander. Finally, after a long, slow, torturous path, he was swept up into the bright, white light. Almost a metaphor, he supposed. However, where he found himself was more like hell than heaven.

It was dark, the only light coming from emergency lights equipped to work when the power went out. They bathed the area in an eerie red glow. Human remains littered the floor as far as he could see, blood dripping down and splattering the floor from overhead. A Keeper worked up ahead, oblivious to Kaidan’s presence. Pools of blood and slime, bits of...Kaidan fought the urge to heave, his mind conjuring thoughts of what it was. The floor was coated, making it hard to stand up. He refused to touch anything, at the thought he might be touching the dismembered bodies around him.

With the ability to compartmentalize, he pushed his disgust and outrage aside, staggering to his feet. One leg trailed behind him as he slipped and slid trying to reach Shepard.

He navigated through the wreckage of bodies, down an ever moving chasm to find himself observing a scene he wanted nothing more than to erase from his mind forever.

Shepard held a pistol in his hand...pointed at Admiral Anderson. The Illusive Man stood off to the side, oily words coating the scene with darkness and despair. Kaidan watched, unable to look away, unable to change it. He could only watch in horror as events unfolded before him.

Shepard shot Anderson, though Kaidan could easily feel the tendrils of indoctrination emanating from the Illusive Man. It was a gut shot. Up here, away from any doctors with no medigel available, the injury was a death sentence. Searing rage rushed through him, biotics flicking and fizzling out. His amp was spent, pushed past its limits.

None of them even noticed him.

As little as he knew Shepard, Kaidan felt this was going to haunt the commander for the rest of his life. Would that he could take the burden away from him. Why he felt such compassion for his commanding offider, he didn’t know. It was just there, like every breath he took. He didn’t question it, didn’t truly want to. It felt...right.

As the minutes ticked by passed, he watched Shepard executed TIM despite the Cerberus leader’s mind control. Saw the man fall, hopefully staring forever into the deepest, darkest pits of hell. Then Shepard and Anderson fell, crawling together to sit side by side, watching the Earth through the windows of the Citadel. They talked, Kaidan feeling like an intruder, especially when Anderson told Shepard, “You did good, son.”

Then, he was gone. Kaidan panicked, struggling for breath as he watched Shepard make the realization, seeing him let go, too. Or did he just pass out?

A light in this never ending darkness snuffed out like nothing more than the flame of a candle. The unfairness of it jarred Kaidan, the backdrop the all consuming threat of the Reapers. Anderson...always there, always backing them up against the Council, against the Alliance, against Udina and any overwhelming odds in their way. It hardly seemed fair he was gone, a result of The Illusive Man’s indoctrination.

Shadows hovered, slowly advancing until they won and he fell to the floor. His head struck a piece of rubble and he passed out completely.

* * *

He woke up to see people hovering over him. His vision was fuzzy; his hearing muffled. Piece by piece, the armor he wore for every mission was being taken off. Kaidan wanted to tell them to be careful but couldn’t find the words. A light was shone in his eyes and he winced against the pain it caused. Everything hurt; his whole body one giant pincushion as every touch of his skin felt like a thousand needles being stabbed into him. Even his teeth hurt.

The conversation above and around washed over him, darkness encroaching on every side.

“Sir, can you hear me? Do you know where you are? What’s your name?”

The words tumbled over each other into a barely coherent mess and the staff didn’t wait long enough after any one question for him to answer. Tired of fighting to stay awake, he let the tide of darkness carry him away.

When he opened his eyes again, it was dark in the room. Thankful the lights were turned off, he moved his head, only to stop as pain bloomed behind his eyes. He shut them again, waited for it to go away. It didn’t but lessened several degrees. Not quite brave enough to open his eyes yet, Kaidan let his other senses take over: Machines beeped nearby, low and quiet; water dripped slowly from a faucet and the air smelled of bleach and disinfectant. The sheets were cool but scratchy beneath his fingertips, the pillows thick and fluffy, and the blanket thin. His mouth felt full of cotton, tongue thick in his mouth.

After several minutes, he opened his eyes slowly, squinting at first, then a bit more. The shape of a curtain hung around his bed, cutting off the view of the rest of the room. Was that...did he hear breathing coming from the other side? He slowed and evened his own rapid breaths, straining to listen. He was still unable to be sure.

Giving up, because the effort was exhausting, he lay there instead. A hazy memory of doctors and nurses washed over him. This was a hospital, then. It had to be Huerta since they'd been on the Citadel, though it didn’t look what he remembered from the last time he was here.

None of the doctors or nurses were around now, probably busy with other patients. How long had he been here? Complete chaos must exist right outside the door, wounded and dying lining the halls, though he didn’t hear any screaming, cursing or crying.

It was then he finally realized what was bothering him. The constant unearthly blare of the Reapers couldn’t be heard. Waiting for someone to walk through the door, Kaidan hoped to get some answers. However, he succumbed to exhaustion before it could happen.

He slept deeply until startled awake. Head nestled against the pillows, he didn’t move. Becoming oriented to his surroundings as the fog of sleep dissipated, Kaidan struggled to figure out what had woken him. It hadn’t been a dream or a nightmare. There were no fleeting tendrils of memory, good or bad, to suggest either. As well as no lingering emotions.

Sounds came from behind the curtain. Holding his breath, Kaidan waited. Hearing the sound again, he flipped his blanket back in case he needed to get up. An anguished moan, though meager, sounded loud in the stillness of the room. He didn't know if his leg was healed, if he was allowed to put weight on it yet, but the sound called to him, bereft and full of painful, pulling him onward to try and offer comfort.

The sound came again - a moan, then a cry of distress, followed by mumbled words and then, No, no, nononononono. Kaidan didn't hesitate, swinging his legs over the side of the bed to get up and nearly passed out, weak and lightheaded from being bed bound for so long. Determined nonetheless, he hopped carefully off the bed, pushing the curtain aside and limped towards a bed across the room.

An endless array of machines and the tubes and wires attached to them were hooked into the person moving restlessly on the bed. It was impossible to figure out anything beyond the outline of the shape suggesting a man. Bandages covered nearly every inch of skin. Only a few bits here and there were unmarred. The soldier must have had a very harrowing brush with death.

Moving closer, Kaidan called out softly, trying to calm the man, "Hey, it's okay. You're not alone. I’m here for however long you need me."

The instant the words left his lips, the man quieted, the bandaged head turning towards him as if wanting more. Reaching a hand out to grasp the one tangled in the sheets, as much to offer comfort as for balance, Kaidan let his eyes trace the thin arm up to the man’s face, the eyes and lips the only places left uncovered.

“I’ve got you.”

The eyes opened and in the gleam of the lights from the many machines surrounding the bed, they glowed a brilliant, piercing blue. Kaidan gasped in surprise...recognition slamming into him, followed by an endless array of memories hitting him with the force of a gale.

One anguished, uneven word was torn from his lips as a tear slid down his face and he closed his eyes against overwhelming emotions, hand grasping his only lifeline.

"John..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! The muses were very uncooperative but today, finally, they decided to get on board. I apologize if the ending is a bit...ambiguous?! I'll let the reader decided what happens from here. As for me, I have my own ideas ;) 
> 
> Thanks for hanging in there while I finished this. Much appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from John Keats.


End file.
